The ‘Time = A Good Friendship’ Equilibrium

Introduction 

Something that I’ve been thinking a lot about recently, for several different reasons, is about the concept of time equaling a quality friendship. Over the last couple of weeks I have had a lovely time seeing nearly all of my close friends on different occasions, and one conversation that seemed to crop up with nearly all of them was about how oldest friends are not necessarily always our best quality friends. It seems that, when it comes to friendship, people seem to think that the friends they've had for the longest time are the ones that are their best quality friends- namely they have their best interests at heart, they are wholly supportive, they have had years of knowing them- etc etc. But is this really true? I personally don’t think so. 

Factors that Make Up a Friendship 

I’ve always thought of friendships as a bit like a recipe: there are lots of components that go into making a healthy one, components that are needed to be put into the pot by both people. These include things like understanding, compassion, shared interest, care, love, loyalty and kindness. Time is a component too, but it is not an essential one, nor can a friendship survive solely from it. Time is a shared resource in a friendship and, of course, a healthy friendship means making time for the other person when you can, and sharing time and memories with them. But someone who you have known for twenty years won’t necessarily be as good at providing you with all the other components as someone who has known you for a mere year might be. The friendship might have time on its side and a mutual comfort in how old the friendship is, but if they are not there to provide you with the other elements of a friendship that are also important, you might start to feel like the friendship isn’t that strong. 

In her book, ‘Confessions of a Friendaholic’, which I really recommend for reading, Elizabeth Day writes:

“A healthy friendship involves reciprocal stretching to accommodate each other’s shifting needs. But we don’t have to stretch if we don’t want to. Some relationships will be worth it, and some won’t. If there’s too much stretching in one direction, the muscles of the friendship become out of whack…”

Why Time Alone is Insufficient 

Just to expand more on the above quote, time alone is not sufficient enough to hold up a healthy and mutually happy friendship- a friend that has known you for a long time may not be the same person they used to be, they may have different priorities, they may not be stretching to accommodate you as much as they used to. They may have different goals and as a result their efforts in other areas of being a friend have begun to slack. It can be hard to think of this happening, especially when they have been a part of your life for so long. Maybe you grew up with them, went to school with them, shared all those ‘firsts’ with them, and maybe you are investing all the components of a friendship but aren’t getting it reciprocated. 

To quote Day again, she writes in the same book:

“When a friendship falls by the wayside, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it has failed, or is not in some way still ‘good’. It simply means that it no longer fits. Or it means that you both have been taught what you needed to know, and can move on with love.” 

What Day highlights here is the notion that a friendship, no matter how old, slowly fizzling is difficult, but it doesn’t mean that it is anything bad. Rather you can take from it what you have, and move on still having mutual care for the other person, but understanding that you both can’t give each other what you used to anymore. That being that you have the element of many years of friendship behind you, but this alone is not enough to keep it moving forward into the future, at least not without one or both parties failing to have expectations of the other met, and as a result becoming unhappy or upset. 

When Time Does Matter 

With all this being said, it is important to highlight that time is an essential component in friendships too. Time brings with it comfort, a knowledge of a person, trust, more memories and shared experiences, better aligned energy, and life situations that potentially test the friendship, or at least prove how you both deal with things and how much it impacts. But it is not the be all and end all, and certainly doesn’t create a good friendship. Clinging on to a friendship purely because it is longstanding traps people into a situation where they get disappointed, feel unfulfilled and also keep the door closed to potential new friends who might fill that ‘spot’ if you like, and provide you with a completely different friendship experience. 

Final Thoughts 

There is so much more I could think and say about the subject, but if I had to answer the question ‘does time equal a good friendship’ I’d say no. I would say that time, effort and mutual care equal a good friendship, and time alone equals a familiar friendship. A meaningful relationship that is mutually beneficial to both people is one that is nurtured by time, care, compassion, effort and respect, not one that has just always been there. 

Of course, plenty of people have friendships that are old in time, and filled with all of the other components too. These are extra special and bonds that must be cherished. I want to end this musing with one more quote from the ‘Confessions’ book, because it is possibly my favourite quote out of the whole thing, and encapsulates perfectly just how special these types of friendships are. Day notes that:

“Friendship has no survival value, but it certainly adds value to survival. We choose friendship- and this, in Aristotle’s view, makes it a higher-level love because of the freedom of intention that lies behind it.” 

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